Losing Her Story: A Woman Transformed Part 1

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Well, what can I say friends?

I laughed out loud when I found and reread this post I read, The Time I Thought My Marriage Was Ending. I laughed again, knowing I had no idea when I wrote that post how deep things could go, how much more there really was, how I would need to break and burn before stepping forth whole and confident.

I laugh when I read my writing from before because that woman who wrote those things is such a different person. She has had so many iterations. Gathered so much and so many along the way. And she was heavy, weighted down by things she believed, ways she was being, stories that held her in the past.

I cried for her. I cried so many tears over the past year. For the 5 year old girl who was confused and frightened, seeking safety and security. For the teenager who was angry and alone, wanting to be wanted. For the woman who was overwhelmed and exhausted, longing for her purpose. For the mother who was lost and depleted, desperate for support.

I cried and I laughed because I am beyond. I am so far beyond where I was and where I ever thought I would be. I am beyond with no judgment. I am beyond judgment of where I am. I am done criticizing my being and my doing. I am done pushing and striving. I am here. I am here for grace, for connection, for the precious blessing of life.

I am here and I am going to show up. Bold and fierce. Soft and vulnerable. Personal and intimate. Raw and real.

leave-the-wrong-story

See, the woman who wrote that post had realized some things, learned a whole heck of a lot, understood more than she knew, and was very skilled at flexing and stretching so she could hold everything, so nothing broke, so she could stay in the places she knew, comfortable in the familiar of her discontent.

The me who used to be filled with terror of losing her story as she listened to the voices battling within:

Why can’t you be satisfied with what you have? How could you possibly want more? You think you deserve happy? Who are you to want to be wanted, seen, valued? Who are you to stop striving and accept herself where you are? You think you’re good enough? Who do you think you are, believing you can dream and be joyfully WILD with purpose and passion? Stop that crazy talk. Stop being irresponsible and naive. Stay here where you are. Stay with what you know. Stay small and safe…

…And in the darkness, the seed lay dormant, awaiting nourishment and nurturing care.

Because the woman feared the darkness where the seed lay planted. Only rarely would she sprinkle the new life, the life she wanted, with the final, leftover drips from her warm heart. Only rarely would she shine the light of her dreamy smile upon her precious seed that waited patiently for signs of readiness.

Yet the woman was “too busy.” Too overwhelmed with the voices and with life to tend to her deepest desire. She couldn’t free up and tend to something frivolous, like her desires, wants and needs. Dreaming was risky business, and she had others to tend to. She had so much to hold together…

The light in her dream dimmed under the covers of “shoulds” and “supposed tos” and “have tos.”

The seed lay waiting.

Then, just as she was getting skilled at getting a hold on things, stretching herself so thin she could just grasp the corners of here and there and everywhere, the baggage she was carrying became too heavy.

Her grip slipped.

She felt herself falling away. She flailed about desperately, trying with the old ways. Flexing. Stretching. Reaching. Coming up empty again and again.

She was contracting. Falling inward.

And suddenly, things snapped painfully into view.

She had cowered her whole life in a tiny little patch of light in a vast, dark room, scared to venture out, thinking that it was good enough, that maybe she could manage and find joy and fulfillment staying small. Taking up so little space that all boundaries were lost. Believing that small was all she was worthy of in this lifetime and she better work hard to keep it. To keep up. To keep hold of that little bit of joy that she would catch unpredictably before it flitted off again and she fell into questioning her life, questioning her worthiness, her desire, her dreams…

The story she was terrified of losing was a dark and hidden swamp of poisonous lies, venomous shame and putrid globs of unworthiness.

“No more,” she thought. “No more darkness and denial when I am worthy of possibility and desire.”

And though the voices shouted mightily, unleashing their most destructive forces, the woman, with a heart full of both fear and compassion for herself, she shifted her gaze away from the light, pulled on her courage, and strode straight into the swampy darkness.

And then….

 

{End of Part 1. Part 2 “Saying Goodbye to All That Was” coming next week…}

 

 

You know what it feels like when you’re tired of the same old stories and pain? Exhausted from staying small and chasing joy that doesn’t stay when you catch it? Know that stuck feeling? When you find yourself uncomfortable in your own skin? Every fiber of your being writhing, longing to be free?

I know that feeling. And I know SHIFT.

Mindful Shift.

10 days of days of small, digestible and inspiring bites specifically designed to assist you in finding your flow, connecting to your inner compass, and creating mindful shift towards all that you are desiring…

Simple. Practical. Doable.

The Mindful Shift Series.

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Showing 6 comments
  • Mama Karena
    Reply

    I’ve been working with a new (to me) mantra for the year (and beyond): what would goddess do? And in that are a thousand softenings, and your writing rekindled that question, that connection with (self) love and acceptance and light. ❤✴?☀

    • Sheila Pai
      Reply

      I love this! The question. Softening. Connection. Self-love. Acceptance…. So beautiful! <3

  • Mama Karena
    Reply

    I’ve been working with a new (to me) mantra for the year (and beyond): what would goddess do? And in that are a thousand softenings, and your writing rekindled that question, that connection with (self) love and acceptance and light. ❤✴?☀

    • Sheila Pai
      Reply

      I love this! The question. Softening. Connection. Self-love. Acceptance…. So beautiful! <3

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