How Can I Get My Kid to Do What I Say?
“I want mama time! I want to do some art with you, mama.”
I explained we could go downstairs together and make oatmeal and then do some art mama time before I had a work call. In came her sad face.
“I don’t want to go downstairs. Let’s go have art time now while Daddy and Bubba go downstairs and make ‘ompeal.’ ”
I explained to her that after we put the oatmeal on the stove Daddy was going to come down and watch it while we did some art. She still had a sad face and didn’t want to go.
“Are you feeling worried that if we go downstairs and put the oatmeal on that we won’t have mama time for art?”
“Yes.”
After acknowledging her worries, she shifted. Her body relaxed and she crawled into my arms. I picked her up and we went downstairs.
My 3 yo climbed up onto the chair to discover her elderberry syrup in a cup. After a sip or two, she noticed the intriguing double shot glass that her Mamamma gave to her.
“I want to pour this into here.”
She said this simply, out loud. I had big feelings inside. I started to say:
“Don’t do that.” (Meaning: Do what I say right now because I said so.)
However, when I connected with my feelings and needs…
- I remembered the elderberry on the floor from the day before when she had climbed down with the cup and danced a bit with it.
- I reflected on how little there was left in the bottle.
- I recalled how we were sick a lot of the winter.
- I recognized how we value using the elderberry preventatively
I said instead:
[Me: I want her to do what I prefer but I don’t want her to make her do what I say. What is she going to do???] [My 3 yo: Silent. Sad face.]“I prefer that you don’t do that because that cup isn’t one that pours well and the other glass has a narrow opening. Also, yesterday some syrup fell on the floor. We only have a little left now, and it is important medicine for us to stay healthy. server hosting ip . I want to make sure we save some for other days.”
[Me: Silent. I realized we could put more in the other glass to meet her need…now I felt worried that I would need to express this all over again. That was not going to meet my need. Continue to make oatmeal…] [My 3 yo: Still silent. Playing with the shot glass on the table. A thrilling and proud look crosses her face…]“My body wants to do that.”
“Oh, you hear me say I prefer you don’t pour it, and your body wants to pour the elderberry.”
“Yes.”
“Well, what do the other parts of you say?”
“Another part doesn’t want to do it.”
“Hmm…why I wonder?”
“I don’t know.”
“So, your body wants to pour and part of you doesn’t want to pour and part of you is wondering: What to do?”
“Yes.”
“Hmm…I wonder what you will do?”
[We both think….I begin to wonder if it’s the glass she wants to use and not about pouring the elderberry.]“Look, mama! I’m pretending to drink!”
“Oh! That’s a joyful solution!”
“There’s nothing coming out, though.”
“Oh. So your body that wanted to pour says, “This isn’t real. Nothing is coming out.” And the other part of you that didn’t want to pour says, “Yay! I can pretend to drink!”
“Yes!”
“Hmm…”
[I held the glass and she poured the teeniest amount from a big, heavy bottle of apple cider vinegar so incredibly carefully.]“What if we put something else inside the glass. Like…Apple cider vinegar?!
“YES!”
“Want to pour it yourself?
“Yes! But will you help me?”
“Of course.”
“How does that solution feel?”
“I feel happy!”
“Me too!”
And that is the way we got everyone’s needs met in that particular situation. WOW, did I feel joyful to have connected with her in that way instead of falling into my “Obedience Now” trap. So many times I have felt the pain of disconnection and frustration, and this felt so amazingly good.
I can tell my daughter felt the connection, too, because she immediately thought back to and told me the story of when my son was very young and she felt alone while I took care of him. I had the chance, then, to connect with her around that sadness we both felt and feel.
When it came time later for me to take a work call, she felt sad to disconnect. I was able to carry the joy I felt from the previous connection into this moment and hear her sadness. I also acknowledged, with my partner and her present, that my 3 yo was accurate in her worry. When she and I went downstairs to put on the oatmeal, we did not have time for mama time and art. We all agreed that next time we would acknowledge that mama time meant staying upstairs while daddy gets on the oatmeal.
After the call went over an hour longer than I had expected (would it trigger more anxiety?), I reconnected with my daughter. We played for a bit, ate some food and had some art time. When it was time for her to go for a nap with daddy, while I put baby to sleep, she went without a hint of resistance or sadness.
In fact, she went willingly.
She did come back and joyfully let me know that she loves me the biggest of all the muches. (Spreading her arms out wide) I told her I love her the biggest of all the muches.
“Mama, do you know? We love each other the biggest of all the muches? Good night!”
My heart swelled with joy and love and peace and connection.
NVC helps me shift from “How can I get my kid to do what I say” to “How can we get my kid and myself what we need?”
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